The Gods' Show
by Kina Kalamari
Summary: From the producers of Secrets of the Barrows Brothers comes The Gods' Show, where we find out all the secrets of the six gods of RuneScape... Not that they want us to tell people that... WARNING: NOW THOROUGHLY OUTDATED, but still mildly amusing.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello, readers! This is my new story, all about the RuneScape gods. If you're not Anara Celebvilya or Tylixe and you're reading this, I, well…(does dance emote)…yeah, I haven't had a whole lot of readers in the RS fandom. Let's see if this fic attracts any more...  
**

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Kina: Hello, folks! Some of you may know me from Guess the Innermost Secrets of the Barrows' Brothers, but for those that don't, I'm Kina Kalamari, and I'll be your host. Welcome to The Gods' Show, where we get to meet the…(counts on fingers)…six gods of RuneScape! Let's introduce them now, shall we?

(camera pans left to show another person)

Kina: This is Saradomin, god of goodness and light.

Saradomin: Hello.

(camera pans again)

Kina: This is Guthix, god of neutrality.

Guthix: (inclines head magnanimously)

(camera pans again)

Kina: This is Zamorak, god of chaos.

Zamorak: (flips off camera)

Kina: Hey! Manners, Zamorak!

Zamorak: (shrugs)

Kina: (sighs)

(camera pans again)

Kina: This is Armadyl, god of air and law.

Armadyl: Hey.

(camera pans again)

Kina: This is Bandos, god of war.

Bandos: Grr! (brandishes sword at camera)

Kina: Put that away! This is expensive equipment!

Bandos: (sulks)

(camera pans again)

Kina: And this is Zaros, god of evil.

Zaros: Why am I last? I don't much care for the way you do things around here, Kina Kalamari.

Kina: Well, someone had to be last. Might as well be you.

Zaros: No, it might as well have been Zamorak, or Saradomin. Not me.

Kina: Oh, suck it up.

Voice from next to camera: What about me?

(camera pans)

Kina: Who are you?

Unknown Person: I am Zaros's loyal servant, Alexander Morgenstern Albatross.

Kina: Uh…okay…(turns to Zaros) This true?

Zaros: Yes.

Kina: Alrighty, then. Can we call you Alex? Your full name would be a little long for denoting your dialogue.

Alexander Morgenstern Albatross: What? (pause) Oh. I see. Yes, Alex will do.

Kina: Excellent. Shall we get on with the show?

Saradomin: Ah, well, Kina…you seem to have failed to explain to us exactly what we're supposed to be doing.

Kina: Oh, I'm sorry. I'd just like you each to tell us a little bit about yourselves. It's sort of a 'get to know you' show. If it goes well, perhaps we could turn it into a game show or some such.

Zaros: A game show? Servant, go get my special game show cape.

Alex: Yes, Master. (starts to leave)

Zaros: No, wait, don't do that…Get my staff.

Alex: Of course, Master. (goes to leave)

Zaros: Oh, and Servant?

Alex: Yes, Master?

Zaros: Get me a beer from the tavern while you're at it.

Alex: Anything you say, Master. (goes to leave)

Kina: Hey, Servant, grab me a Coke while you're at it.

Alex: A what, Mast- (turns around) You're not my master!

Kina: (shrugs) Worth a shot. You're being a lemming, anyway. I figured I may as well make use of it.

Alex: A lemming? What's that?

Kina: A lemming; a person with no free will of their own who follows unquestioningly what other people tell them to do. I think it's generally used when you follow a crowd, but we'll make an exception here. I like the word.

Alex: I'm not a lemming!

Kina: Yeah, you are. A lame lemming, even. It's kind of sad. Hey, wait a minute…

Alex: (irritably) What?

Kina: Lame Lemming Alexander Morgenstern Albatross! Your initials spell llama!

Llama: They do not! I'm not a lame lem-…Hey! You changed my name!

Kina: Yeah.

Llama: Change it back!

Kina: Why?

Llama: Because…because it's mean!

Kina: Hm…maybe. Fine. (changes it back)

Alex: (checks name) Whew.

Zaros: Servant, get going.

Lame lemming: Of course, Master, at onc-…Kina, stop it!

Kina: (snickers)

Alex: Humph. (stalks out)

Zamorak: That was hilarious, Kina. I think you have a real knack for spreading chaos.

Kina: (grins) Thank you, Zamorak.

Armadyl: Well, if you're all going to be chaotic, I may as well leave now. (stands up)

Kina: No, don't leave! Um…(thinks desperately)…we have cookies!

Armadyl: (pauses) Well…all right then. (sits back down)

Kina: Excellent. (hands Armadyl cookies)

Bandos: Armadyl, you'd better be planning to share those!

Armadyl: Um…no.

Bandos: Share them!

Armadyl: No!

Bandos: (draws large, dangerous weapon) GRR!!!

Kina: Gah! Stop! (hands Bandos a plate of cookies) Here!

Bandos: Oh. (takes cookies) Thanks.

Kina: (breathes sigh of relief) No problem.

Alex: (enters room) Master, I'm back. (hands Zaros staff and beer)

Zaros: Good.

Kina: Zaros!

Zaros: What?

Kina: Thank the lame lemming! He brought you your stuff, and deserves thanks.

Zaros: Oh. (looks at Alex) Whatever. Thanks.

Alex: (nods) Of course, Oh Greatest Master.

Guthix: I am sure you all find this most entertaining, but I was under the impression that we were here to converse the certain matter of telling of ourselves. Was I mistaken?

Kina: Oh, uh…no. Let's get right to that, then. Guthix, you can start.

Guthix: Oh, no. I would not wish to take that privilege away from anyone else who would wish for it. Shall Saradomin take first lead?

Saradomin: That's very kind of you, Guthix, but I would much rather let someone else have the honor of going first.

Kina: Um…

Zaros: You people are morons! Since you're all too cowardly, I'll go first.

Guthix: I am afraid that I do not see how being generous would be cowardly.

Zamorak: You're not being generous; you're shoving the pressure of going first off on someone else.

Zaros: Exactly!

Armadyl: (raises eyebrows) Since when do you two agree on anything?

Zaros: Er…we don't. I meant to say that Zamorak was talking complete nonsense, of course…(trails off embarrassedly)

Armadyl: Right. Of course. (shakes head)

Kina: This is great and all, but who's going first?

Zaros, Zamorak, and Bandos: I am.

Kina: You can't all go first!

Guthix: Indeed. That would be most illogical.

Kina: Okay, I have an idea; we'll pick out of a hat.

Zamorak: We'll do what?

Kina: It's a way of deciding things when no when no one can. Anyone have a hat?

Everyone else: (looks at each other) No.

Kina: Ah. Too bad. I'll need a new plan, then.

Zaros: No worries. Servant, go fetch a hat.

Alex: Yes, Master. Right away. (leaves)

Kina: Oh. Excellent.

_(five minutes later)_

Alex: Your hat, Master. (hands Zaros a 'Stylish Hat')

Zaros: Er…okay…(hands hat to Kina)

Kina: (examines hat) This won't do. These two big swoopy things with the stuff hanging off the tips? Not conducive to drawing paper slips.

Zaros: Oh. Servant, fetch a different hat.

Alex: Yes, Master.

Kina: No, don't bother. (tosses 'Stylish Hat') We'll just pick sticks.

Saradomin: Pardon?

Kina: It's another technique for randomly picking something. I'll need a very long stick.

Zaros: Servant, fetch a stick.

Kina: (snickers) Right, Fido, fetch a stick.

Alex: (glares at Kina) Shut up, KK. (to Zaros) Right away, Master. (leaves)

_(ten minutes later)_

Alex: (hands Zaros a plain staff) Here, Master.

Zaros: Excellent. (hands staff to Kina)

Kina: (frowns) This won't do.

Alex: Why not?

Kina: It's too thick. I can't snap it.

Bandos: I can.

Kina: Uh…thanks for the offer, but we'll just do something else. (tosses staff) How about we roll a die?

Armadyl: How many plans are we going to go through before we actually figure out who's going first?

Zamorak: Yeah, really. This is getting ridiculous.

Kina: No worries. I really can't see how this will go wrong. Alex, fetch a die.

Alex: (turns to Zaros)

Zaros: (nods)

Alex: (leaves)

Kina: What, he can't obey me? Pshaw.

_(fifteen minutes later)_

Alex: I found nothing called a 'die'. I brought back the closest thing I could find. (hands Zaros a death rune)

Zaros: (hands Kina the death rune)

Kina: Um…This is a death rune.

Alex: I know.

Kina: This won't help.

Alex: I figured as much.

Kina: Then why'd you bring it back?

Alex: (shrugs)

Kina: Okay, then…New plan!

Guthix: May I suggest we simply decide amongst ourselves? As unpleasant as that may become, it seems to me that it would be far more expeditious.

Kina: Hm…maybe…Fine. Who's going first?

Zaros, Zamorak, and Bandos: I am.

Kina: Right, then. (thinks) Bandos.

Zaros and Zamorak: What? Why?

Kina: His name starts with a 'b', which happens to come before 'z' in the alphabet.

Zamorak: Huh. I'm changing my name.

Saradomin: But then what would happen when someone decided to go by the person whose name began with the last letter in the alphabet?

Zamorak: Oh. Uh…(ponders)

Kina: (checks clock) Oh dear.

Armadyl: What is it?

Kina: Well, it seems we've run ourselves right out of time. We'll have to start the show next time.

Zamorak: That was a right waste of time, that was.

Kina: Perhaps, but somehow I think we've gotten to know you all better with this than if you'd just told us…

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**A/N: So, um…what'd you think? Any good? Worth reading more of it? Reviews are more than welcomed.  
**

**Oh, and thanks to my friend Alex for, well, the use of Alex. (His name is not actually Alexander Morgenstern Albatross, just to clear things up.) Though I was the one who came up with the lame lemming thing and the llama thing and the name A.M.A. Anyway...yeah, review. =)  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Wow. It's been a very long while since I posted chapter one. Luckily (though really unluckily) for me, no one that I don't know personally is reading it, so no problems there. (sigh)  
**

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Kina: So, now that we've decided who's going to go first, let's get this show started! Bandos, tell us a bit about yourself.

Bandos: Well…I'm the god of war.

Kina: Yes, I believe I told everyone that when I first introduced you.

Bandos: Oh. (pause) I like goblins.

Zamorak: You obviously don't like all of them.

Bandos: Why not?

Zamorak: You sold me a troop of them for two thousand gold.

Bandos: Oh…yeah. Well, I needed the money.

Zaros: What for?

Bandos: (grumbles) Taxes.

Kina: You sold off your goblins to pay the taxes?

Bandos: Yeah.

Armadyl: But they're your loyal followers! What could _possibly_ make you want to sell them?

Bandos: I didn't need them all. And I did need the money.

Saradomin: You should be ashamed of yourself.

Zamorak: No he shouldn't. I made good use of those goblins.

Saradomin: Is that so? What did you do with them?

Zamorak: I gave them to Iban. I believe he's greatly enjoyed having them at his command.

Guthix: You spent money on goblins, and then just gave them away? That seems most unlike you, Zamorak. Why did Iban deserve such a gift?

Zamorak: What? You don't give your kids candy?

(silence falls)

Guthix: I must have misheard you, Zamorak, for my ears seem to believe that you just proclaimed that Iban was your son.

Zamorak: Well, uh…yeah. You know, in the spiritual sense of…(trails off) Wow, it sure is nice weather you get here in Falador.

Armadyl: Why, thank you. I try.

Guthix: (threateningly) Zamorak…

Alex: What? Is having kids against the law?

Saradomin: After the God Wars, Guthix began enforcing the Edicts of Guthix. They state that we gods are not allowed to interfere and/or associate with humans.

Kina: Why'd he okay my show then?

Saradomin: I don't really know.

Guthix: Zamorak, _is_ Iban your son?

Zamorak: …Most likely.

Alex: Okay, what does _that_ mean?

Guthix: Yes, what _does_ that mean?

Zamorak: (stalling) What do you mean?

Guthix: I mean, what does that mean?

Zamorak: What does what mean?

Guthix: What does _that_ mean?

Zamorak: It means I'm wondering what you mean by asking me what I mean.

Zaros: Stop that. You're giving me a headache.

Alex: Would you like a glass of water, Master? Or some ice?

Kina: (mockingly) And how about a nice foot massage, Master? Would you like me to run your bath water and make you an extravagant gourmet meal?

Alex: Hey! Just because you don't have a point to your life doesn't mean you should mock other peoples' point of being!

Kina: Serving Zaros is you _point of being_? Good God, you're sadder than I thought.

Armadyl: Which one?

Kina: What?

Armadyl: You said, 'Good God'. Which of us were you referring to?

Kina: Oh, uh…Zamorak.

Zamorak: I'm not good! That's the worst insult I've heard in my life!

Saradomin: He's right, Kina. If any of us are good, I should think it would be myself. I am the epitome of light and goodness. My whole-hearted purity is what shaped this world into what it is today.

Kina: (whispers to Armadyl) He's a bit full of himself, isn't he?

Armadyl: (whispers back) Why do you think I fired him? He was awful at being a follower.

Saradomin: What are you two whispering about?

Kina and Armadyl: Nothing.

Saradomin: Hm…

Guthix: (comes back into room) So, Zamorak…where were we?

Bandos: Where'd you go?

Guthix: I had the strong need to visit the john. But I'm back now, and I wish to reinstate the conversation that Zamorak and I were having, as I believe it is of great importance to the continued survival of our world.

Zamorak: Sheesh…it's not _that_ big a deal.

Guthix: Zamorak, you have seriously violated my Edicts, which I created for the sole purpose of keeping the balance of our good land of Gielinor. Something must be done about this.

Zamorak: What's to do about it? It's already happened.

Guthix: That does not make it any less of a violation.

Zamorak: Well, yeah, but what are you going to _do_ about it.

Zaros: We could execute Iban.

Kina: No! I happen to know and like Iban. No execution. That's just _wrong_. He can't help who his parents are!

Zamorak: He doesn't even know who his parents are.

Guthix: You mean he doesn't know that he is your son?

Zamorak: Well, no. He knows that, as much as anyone does. But he doesn't know who his mother is.

Guthix: And who _is_ his mother?

Zamorak: How should I know?

Armadyl: I'm thinking that you're the only one who _would_ know, Zamorak.

Alex: Well, Iban's mom might know.

Guthix: That's a very good point, young man! We shall ask her. Kina, call her in.

Kina: Um…no one knows who she is.

Guthix: Ah. Yes. That would be a problem…

Kina: I'll investigate it thoroughly next week*, but for now, can we please get on with the show?

Zaros: Yes, let's get back to the show. I'm sick of this quibbling over such pointless nonsense.

Zamorak: It's not pointless! It's about my son!

Zaros: Yes, the son you shouldn't have had, but did, but don't know who his mother is, or that you're his real father, but seem to insist that you are, which means that you violated Guthix's Edicts, and therefore have caused a lot of trouble that didn't need to be had over some kid that didn't need to be born…Is that about right?

Kina: Again with the hostility toward Iban! He's a nice guy, so stop being so mean.

Zaros: My apologies, oh fair hostess, but I think that as the god of evil, I have every right to say anything I want about whomever I want to say it, yes?

Kina: Well, as your show's hostess, I think I have the last call on anything that goes on inside this studio. So there!

Alex: This is stupid…

Kina: You…shut up!

Alex: I speak as I must and cannot be silent.**

Kina: I said, shut up!

Alex: I speak as I must and cannot be-

Kina: Piffle you! (storms out of room)

Armadyl: That was a very…unique insult. What a strange girl, that Kina.

Rest of room's members: (nod)

Armadyl: Hm…

Kina: (comes back into room) Okay, I'm back. You miss me?

Alex: You weren't even gone thirty seconds! How could we miss you?

Kina: You didn't miss me?

Alex: No.

Kina: But…but…Oh, never mind.

Rest of room's members: …

Kina: So…on with the show?

Saradomin: Yes, I think it's about time we got back to-

(door slams open)

Unknown…thing: I have heard the strangest rumors that Zaros has a new servant. This makes me most unhappy. WHERE IS HE?

Kina: Zaros, who is this fool that just barged into my studio?

Zaros: Ah, well…it seems to be my old servant, Azzanadra.

Azzanadra: Yes, I am the great and mighty Mahjarrat warrior, Azzanadra! Cower, humans!

Zamorak: Well, he's just as domineering as I remember him.

Azzanadra: Where is the puny human that has replaced me?

Alex: (hides behind Zaros)

Zaros: (sighs)

Kina: I have a bad feeling about this.

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*For an in-depth description of Kina's investigation, please see my story, _The Search For The Unknowable_, posted recently. How handy that this half-written-at-the-time chapter of this story tied in so well with that. =)

**Quote from the book _Runemarks_ by Joanne Harris, spoken in the book by the Whisperer. I do not own it. They are not my words. Don't sue.

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**A/N: Well…review?  
**


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